It’s been a while since I wrote in this series. I wanted to keep it up during our last deployment but I just couldn’t. Being one person and taking on as much as I did last deployment was just plain stupid. We built our home, I moved TWICE, closed on TWO houses, own and ran my full time photography business, mothered a toddler and 2 dogs, took care of a rental home (that had HVAC issues and tree’s falling constantly), and so much more I can’t even list. It was the toughest four months of my life and things like blogging took a back seat. But not this time… I’ve learned to slow down and make time for myself and my writing.

In my very first installment of this series back in 2015, I wrote this:

“The Independent Dependent just seemed so fitting. I’m a ‘dependent’ of my husband in military terms. I “depend’ on him in the eyes of the military. But who do I depend on when the Navy takes him away from us? The word ‘dependent’ just confuses me. There is no woman stronger or more independent than a military spouse. For several months out of the year, every year, we have to remain 100% independent. This means I play the role of mommy and daddy. That I cook the meals and do the dishes. I throw the trash in the kitchen trash can and take it out as well. I take care of the house and the cars. I do everything. Playing the role of two people doesn’t seem very ‘dependent’ to me.”

Let that sink in for a moment. If you’re a military spouse, its already sank in because chances are, you’ve had to do at least one deployment or spent some time apart. If you’re not a military spouse…count your lucky stars and never ever take your spouse for granted.

Marriage is about team work. Dividing up the chores 50/50. He takes the trash out, I vacuum. He takes care of the cars and the yard and the outside of the home and I take care of the inside. I cook, he does the dishes. He bathes Aubree, I get 20 minutes of alone time that I haven’t had all day. He picks up my cravings because I’m pregnant and I indulge. I wash clothes, we fold together before bed. But when he’s deployed… I do it all by myself.

Alone. Lonely. On my own…everything.

It’s tough. The team work in our marriage is taken away by the military. There is no more us or 50/50. I think its one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn over the years of doing this. Add children and it just gets harder. There’s no longer a set of hands to help with things. Any mom knows we all need a break sometimes. We all need that 20 or 30 minutes each day to just hand the kid(s) over to dad when he walks in the door so we can decompress. But how do we do that when dad is deployed?

Here are some things I’ve learned to cope with the loss of team work from our 3 deployments in the last 2.5 years:

• Set boundaries. Carve time in your schedule each day FOR YOU. You’re going to need it and damn if you don’t deserve it! Even if it means setting an alarm to wake up 1 hour before your kid(s) so you can drink your coffee in silence or creating “quiet time” each day — this is what I did since my 3 year old doesn’t nap anymore. We have 1 hour of quiet time each day and I either escape into my office to get things done or I read, clean, etc. Anything I need/want for myself in that 1 hour, I do. She watches a movie or has 1 hour in her playroom to do what she wants.
• Don’t feel bad for putting your toddler in pre-k or hiring a sitter. I love having my Tuesday and Thursday mornings ALL FOR ME! I drop Aubree off at school and get Starbucks then go home and sit in the silence and write or edit/blog, work, etc. or get laundry done. It’s amazing what those 3 hours of alone time will do for you mentally. Every mom deserves this!! If I don’t do that, I have breakfast with a friend and its so nice to have that one-on-one adult interaction and adult conversations without a little one crying or begging relentlessly for more fruit snacks. Also, don’t guilt trip yourself for hiring a sitter if you need just an hour or two for yourself to walk every aisle of Target or to go get a pedicure.
• Plan play dates!! We do play dates every Wednesday and its heavenly. It helps to create a schedule we can get used to and becomes habit. We look forward to Wednesdays because we know we both get to see our friends and have some fun and that adult conversation is just so freaking nice, LOL! It also helps to pass the time.
• Stick to bed time!! Maybe this is easier for some but when Kyle’s home, we don’t enforce bed time on non-school nights. Mostly because Kyle’s been gone all day and he wants time with Aubree so we let her stay up until 9 or 9:30, sometimes even 9:45. She sleeps later the next morning too which is always nice. BUT! When Kyle is deployed, I stick to an 8 or 8:30pm bed time depending on how busy we’ve been that day. She cries and throws a fit because she never wants to go to bed but I know its the last tantrum I have to deal with all day (can I get an Amen mamas?!). That leaves me with time to either go to bed early myself or watch a show in silence (hallelujah, no more rewinding 204738 times because she wont stop talking LOL) or finally fold those clothes that have been sitting in the chair for the last 3 days (guilty!).

Just remember, while you’re holding down the fort and literally doing everything on your own, you can’t pour from an empty well. You need to fill your well in order to pour into the lives of your children. This is hard for them too, so take care of yourself in order to make sure you’re able to take care of everyone else around you.

Deployments don’t last forever, love. They have an expiration date (another AMEN!) and luckily, we get closer to it with each passing day. I’m rooting for you and cheering you on, independent dependents! This shit aint easy, but I think you’re rocking it!

Until next time, health and happiness. Xo.

PS: What topics would you like to see written in this series? What tips do you need to help you through these tough months? Comment below in the comments section — I’d love to hear from you! :)