October 3, 2016
Anyone who knows me knows I am an open book. I don’t hide things, I like to live very open and authentic which I think sets me free. There are times however when I have to truly give myself permission to be vulnerable. This little blog of mine allowed me that permission just over 3 years ago when I first started writing to the ‘world’. And in all honesty, its felt really great. I’ve connected with people all over the United States that I would have normally never met had it not have been for my blog. I open up about things personally from time to time and the feedback I get always astonishes me. I always tell myself, even if I speak to just ONE person… even if its just ONE person who takes something positive from what I say or if I make just ONE person feel better about this same issue, I’ve done my job and my heart is happy.
So now I want to open up about something I didn’t think I’d ever open up about, especially this soon. But this is life. It’s raw, its real, its messy and it can be really heart breaking at times. But if we can’t share these moments together as humans, we can never get to the next level of authenticity or closeness with each other. We all go through things and sometimes the messy things really bring out parts of us we never thought were there.
Miscarriage. Thats what I’m opening up about today. I’m crying as I just type the “M word” as I like to call it. Tears flow so easily as its still such a raw and open wound but writing makes me feel better. And if this reaches just ONE person in a positive way, then I’ll feel like I’ve helped someone and that will make my heart sing today.
My husband and I have been trying to expand our family for a little while now. I’m not going to say how long because I know people that have been trying very long and have had a heart breaking road to starting or expanding their family. Our story is heart breaking too.
Its been exactly 32 days since we lost a child we will never meet, and that doesn’t settle very well with me. I’ve cried numerous tears, I’ve screamed, I’ve prayed, I’ve yelled at God in a nasty manner, I’ve begged Him, and even asked Him why He betrayed me so badly. I went through the motions of “how could you God?!” and rode the waves of anger and slight understanding. As much understanding as I can possibly comprehend at this time.
The reason I’m sharing this now, so soon, is for a very big reason — and I’ll get to that.
I tend to cry when I’m alone. My husband had his tears in the hospital room as the doctor came in and confirmed what we already knew had just happened and after that day, he seemed to be fine. I wasn’t fine…in fact, I was far from it. I went into a depressed slump for about 2 weeks where I did nothing but cry every single day, every single chance I had where I wasn’t around people. But my husband seemed fine. I angrily asked him one day how he could be okay with what happened and he replied “because I know that wasn’t the baby God wanted for us. He has a baby for us, it just wasn’t our time.” I can see NOW where that makes sense but at the time he said it, it only made me more mad. “How could he not want THAT baby? I wanted THAT baby!! We were trying and I got pregnant and THAT was the baby I wanted!! How can he say that wasn’t the baby God wanted for us when God is the one who gave us THAT baby!?”
My thoughts ran a million miles a minute and I was slightly angry at my husband. Not for his words, but for the fact that he had come to terms with this horrible event that took place and I was no where near coming to terms with it yet…if ever. Every time I would cry he’d say “its okay babe, there’s a baby for us, we’ll get pregnant again, please don’t cry.” And that would make me even more angry… “let me grieve…please.” In my own time, I needed to grieve the loss of this baby I never got to meet. I needed to grieve this child I talked to every day since I found out I was pregnant, the child who made me sick every day (and I never minded because I knew that meant he or she was growing bigger and stronger), the child that Aubree was so excited to call her baby brother or sister, the child growing in my belly that Aubree would put her hands on and talk to. I needed to grieve. And while I’ve found some peace with it, I don’t think I’ll ever quite be over it. It’s just different for a woman and I can now understand why my husband’s grieving time took much less than mine.
Last week my husband had to work late one night, which meant I would be alone for several hours after Aubree went to bed. I tried to keep busy with laundry and dishes and cleaning the house but then, I walked passed these two bags on our kitchen island. These two bags were things I had ordered online for this baby that was no longer growing inside of me. A car seat cover, and a custom rattle I had made for him/her. They both came in about 4 days after the miscarriage and when they did, I put them on our kitchen island and never touched them again. My mom would come over and ask if she wanted me to have her put them in the nursery for me so I didn’t have to look at them and be reminded of what had happened. My husband asked on multiple occasions if he could put them in the nursery for me so I didn’t have to stare at the unopened bags anymore. But I got mad when anyone asked. It was almost like these unopened bags would remain unopened until my grieving period was over and only I could touch them, open them, put them away anywhere. I’ve walked passed these bags now for almost a month and today, I opened them.
The carseat cover was kind of easy. No tears. The rattle on the other hand was not so easy. This rattle was custom made for that baby… I chose an animal and the fabric that would be on the rattle and had it made. I wanted something custom and one of a kind for this baby growing inside of me that we had prayed so hard for. So there sat this custom rattle, and its adorable. My hands shook while opening it and I cried while I held this rattle for the first time. But thats okay, because today I had the courage to open those packages and to place those two things in the nursery that awaits the baby God will send to us. The courage that took was enough for me to realize I took a step forward in this process.
On that night last week when I was alone, I cried and prayed so hard. I wanted it to be my last time like this…vulnerable, crying my eyes out as my mascara ran down my face, hyperventilating from the tears. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore so I prayed one last prayer for God to take the hurt away. For God to take the GUILT away from feeling like this was all my fault (oh the blog post I could write on that alone…), and lastly, for a SIGN from God that we WILL have our rainbow baby. A rainbow baby if you don’t already know, is a child born after a miscarriage or loss of a child. I prayed that night and said “God, please…please take this hurt away from me. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore and I NEED a sign from you. I NEED you to provide me with a sign so I know that Kyle and I WILL have our rainbow baby. A sign so I know that this pain won’t last forever and a baby will come in your perfect timing.” And I released it. I’ve talked before about releasing prayer and I fully believe its what sets us free in our worry and hurt by 100% giving it to God. I stopped crying, washed my face, and went to bed.
The next morning, I woke up early, got Aubree and I ready and took her to school. I was driving when something told me “look to the left” — and there it was. A rainbow. Out of nowhere, a huge rainbow… just hours after I asked God for a sign that we would have our rainbow baby. That was my sign, I know it. God put that rainbow there as my sign. He told me to look to the left as I was driving and there it was. My rainbow…OUR rainbow. I couldn’t wait to tell Kyle the story and show him the picture when he got home from work that evening.
I have always believed in signs and this time, God really showed up for me. I released my worries, my hurt, my fears to Him and when I asked him for a sign that we would indeed have our rainbow baby, He provided an actual rainbow.
I know that I’ll probably never 100% be over this. It was disgusting and something a woman should never have to go through. But I believe in God and in signs and I believe that everything does indeed, happen for a reason.
If you’ve gone through a miscarriage, please know that my heart goes out for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how much it hurts and the weight of the disappointment it leaves on your heart. I know the struggle it is to just get out of bed every day and the guilt thats been laid on your heart.
I found this Bible verse that brought me some peace, and I hope it can bring peace to those of you who are going through it too:
“Consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth the GLORY that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18
That simple line made me feel better in the beginning and made me believe that the pain I’m enduring now won’t even come CLOSE to the happiness and blessings God is about to put on our family.
God has a plan for you too, friend. If you’ve had to endure such a horrible thing such as miscarriage, I know God has a plan for you. As I said before, I’m an open book. Anyone could reach out to me at any time if they need a little virtual hug, someone to listen, someone to just dump their thoughts on. We’re all in this thing called life together, so lets be gentle with one another. You truly never know what a person is going through.
With the publishing of this blog post, I’m releasing all of my fears and doubts, all of my worries and most of my heartache and taking a new path towards happiness and the belief in the blessings God will bestow on us.
And wholeheartedly believing that we will get pregnant again and God will bless us with our rainbow baby.